fear

Listening to: Aish Tamid from the album “Shake off the Dust…Arise” by Matisyahu

ADD and depression often go together.

then there is this thing called general anxiety disorder.

i have ambivalent feelings about that particular phrase, let alone the condition it represents.

perhaps i feel about it the way lots of people who piss me off feel about ADD: “sounds like everybody has that somewhat.”

of course, i have learned, when i encounter that attitude about ADD and depression both, that a good response is: “yes, everyone experiences some of these symptoms sometimes. the difference is longevity of symptoms and the amount of life disruption.”

as for me, before i was diagnosed with ADD i was constantly struggling to keep up with the simplest of life’s tasks.

i graduated from high school with a one point something grade point average.

i was also in the gifted and talented classes.

so much “potential” that i was constantly accused of “not living up to” — which i suppose is true in a way.

yet i maintain that, unaided by medicine and therapy, i actually did not have the potential that i supposedly was not living up to.

i was smart, sure.

but my body chemistry severely limited what i was actually capable of doing.

anyway, to the topic: general anxiety disorder.

the anti-depressant i am on, lexapro, treats GAD and depression both, apparently.

i know nothing about GAD beyond the above fact.

but i do know that my whole life i’ve been afraid to go out in public, basically.

i develop “places” that i attain some measure of comfort at, and if i am forced to deviate from that it fills me with a paralyzing fear.

is this GAD?

i can’t say, and research is needed, but i can say this: since i have started on the lexapro, i am finding myself more able to be comfortable in public.

i am sitting here at starbucks, with my headphones on, rocking out to matisyahu. and i caught myself fullon bobbing my head to it.

this is not something i do.

i am normally far too self-consious for that.

i have also found myself able to look strangers in the eye and smile… which is just shocking to myself.

is this how most people are?

how much have i been missing?

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