on killer bees

the time has come to discuss killer bees.

there was a time when people outside of the congo didn’t even know such things existed, but i have it on good authority that we will soon need to know as much about them as possible, as they have reached the eastern seaboard of the united states and are making plans to head to seattle via chicago.

killer bees do make plans, by the way — and scientists have discovered that they communicate their plans to each other using sixth dimensional geometry, putting them up there in the list of intelligent creatures along with dolphins, squids, yeti and pigmy sloths.

let it be known: killer bees are very intelligent creatures.

one thing that is interesting about killer bees is the manner in which they kill.

counter-intuitively, they do not sting human beings. indeed, they do not have stingers at all — unlike their far dumber (and more malicious) cousin, the north-american honeybee.

killer bees, like all intelligent creatures, have developed religion and believe (we have recently discovered by studying hive paintings dating back to year 678 BCE) that human beings are the creators of the universe.

that’s correct: killer bees worship men and women.

that next door neighbor you can hardly stand because his kid keeps shooting BBs at your cats? killer bees think he’s a god.

and like almost all religious beings, the bees have discovered a way, albeit inadvertently, to kill their gods off.

instead of the usual god-killing methods employed by religious creatures — burning alive or crucifixion or throwing into a volcano — the bees simply swarm around the incarnation of god closest to them, adoring him or her with showers of worshipful love and expressing their uniquely bee-like message of devotion and faith in a manner that gets confused by the lesser-intelligent human being with something more akin to hate.

but no! the bees love us, and they desire so much to be close to us that they swarm too close and use all of our oxygen (it takes a lot of oxygen to beat one’s wings 567,892,230,132 times per second) and we end up asphyxiating.


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